The loss of those we love leaves an indescribable pain that you soon learn will never go away. It might lessen, and even hide away for a while, but it is always there. How bad it aches simply depends on the day.
Mom and Dad have been gone for exactly six months today. It is difficult for me to wrap my mind around this. It feels like it was just yesterday. I vividly remember every detail of that day. Yet I have a hard time remembering everything that has happened since. I usually have a great memory, I remember things that most people forget. It’s an odd circumstance for me.
The last six months have been a blur. I have gone through every emotion possible. I have felt things that I have never felt before, such as deep anger and sorrow. Nothing can prepare you for such a blow. There have been times that I have found myself staring off into space or not remembering if I have completed a task.
It seems hopeless. But only for a moment.
I snap out of these moments of deep sorrow as quickly as they come over me. I am constantly reminded of the hope that I have. I look at the lives of my parents and wonder what it would be like to live with such a fire for God and a passion for people as they had. It pushes me. It pushes me to give more of myself.
I am overcome by an urgency to fulfill my life’s purpose. Life is short. I have seen that. I have lived that. I have no excuse.
Today at the altar I decided to give up my anger. I have used the excuse that I have the right to be angry considering all that has happened in the last six months. Honestly, I don’t think there is a good excuse for anger. We choose how we feel and how we act on our feelings. I chose this morning to let it go. I am free.
In two days we take off for Saipan. A fresh start. A new beginning. I will still have moments of sorrow and I will still grieve over my loss, but the hope I have in my heart is so much stronger. The lessons I’ve learned in these last months were not by accident. Everything was orchestrated for a purpose. I am excited to see what the ultimate purpose of this agonizing life lesson truly is.