Moving to the U.S. two months ago and becoming a stay-at-home mom has given me the opportunity to just think about life and to reflect on myself. I was surprised to find that I have quite a bit of anger and bitterness towards life. Like all people I have had challenges throughout my life, but I have always been able to overcome them. I even remember as a teenager I used to write poetry to express myself and cope with hard times. But since my parents died, I have not had the time to really work through the pain. Grief is a tricky business. I have had my ups and downs and many low moments. I thought I was simply sad and grieving. I never realized I had anger growing within me. A fierce anger. The pain brought on by the loss of my parents has not lessened, it has grown stronger and more severe. As time goes by the realization that they are truly gone and not coming back is unbearable. Time does not heal anything, grief simply changes form.
The children keep me busy and I rarely have time to let out a good cry. I long for the opportunity to go away on a retreat to just be able to reflect on all that has happened in the past couple years. My heart is wounded and I pray that someday it will mend. For now, I will try to work on the anger within, and with God’s help I know I can improve. Life is unfair, I have learned that firsthand, but through it all God’s love prevails.