I have had many dreams about my parents since their death, but there is one that seems to be reoccurring. In the dream they find me and tell me that they have not died, that it was all a mistake. Obviously, in the dream I am shocked and beyond happy. I never want to wake up from those dreams, as when I do, my heart breaks at the reality of my life without them. I know that I am having these dreams because I never saw them after they died. My dad’s body was carbonized and my mom’s body was disfigured from the extreme heat of the fire. The doctors and police would not allow us to see them. It made sense at the time, who wants to remember their parents that way? Yet now I regret it. I needed that closure because these dreams now haunt me.
The mind can be an evil beast, bringing torture to the soul. I have learned that time does not heal anything, in fact it seems to make things worse. My soul keeps expecting them to come back at any moment but reality slaps me in the face, twisting my heart and causing great agony.
This whole process is something I never imagined I would have to go through, but I think it is something that will be used for good in the future. Right now, it is causing me to grow, especially in my faith and devotion to God. I don’t just empathize with people who have lost loved ones, but I literally live their pain with them. It is something that goes beyond explanation. The connection is real and intense. I have learned a great deal about life and what really matters. I don’t just know that life is short, I am sure life is short, which means I live most days with great purpose.
Please don’t ever tell someone who is grieving that time will heal their pain, as it’s not true and gives false hope. In fact, the best thing you can do is say nothing at all. Just be there. Hold them. Cry with them. Share your memories of their loved one if you have them to share. If they have children, offer to watch them so they can get away and have a good cry without having to worry about the kids. This past year I have skipped Sunday mornings simply for the purpose of being home alone to cry and talk to God in peace. It is necessary.
The only thing that seems to ease the pain is knowing that life is short and that we will see our loved ones again. I love life and live for adventure, that will never stop. I just have this void in my life of two wonderful people that accompanies me on this life journey that causes me to connect with people on a completely new level.