“Momma, can you give me the picture of me and Nonna and Nonno? I can’t see Nonna.” I take the picture frame off the shelf and hand it to Madalyn. “Ah, now I see Nonna.” She is sitting at the table eating her snack, gazing at the picture taken of her and my parents a year ago. I continue to hang out the laundry. All of a sudden I hear sniffles. I turn around and see Madalyn crying softly. I run to her and ask what is wrong. “I want Nonna here. I don’t want Nonna to be dead anymore.” Her soft cries turn into sobs.

My almost four year old baby girl continued to sob for twenty minutes. We held each other tightly and cried together. Through tears we spoke about her dear Nonna, my wonderful mother. I asked Madalyn what she missed doing with Nonna and she answered that she liked making cakes with her. Needless to say that tomorrow we will be making a cake together.

Once again my heart is aching, not metaphorically, but real actual unrelenting pain in my chest. I’m angry. Why does my baby have to go through such horrendous pain at such a young age? Her face was contorted with agony as she cried for her Nonna and there was absolutely nothing I could do.

So many questions in my heart as I try to navigate through this period of mourning. Ironically I KNOW all the answers; the challenge is accepting them and trusting that it will all turn out for our good in the end.